Letter to Swamiji
OM
H.H. Sri Swami Chidanandaji Maharaj
Shanti Niwas
24 Teg Bahadur Road-1
Dhalanwala
Dehradun 248001 (U.A.)
29th. August, 2008
Blessed Worshipful Guru Maharaj
Our Beloved Dear Father
Om Namo Narayanaya!
Om Namo Bhagavate Sivanandaya!
Our humble Namaskars and prostrations at the lotus-feet of Holy Master Gurudev Sri Swami Sivanandaji Maharaj, the never-ending source of our strength and solace, in Whom You (and we in You) ever abide, and to Yourself.
Yesterday, 28th. August, 2008, at approximately 8:15 p.m., you left your earthly body. How to express our feelings on hearing this?
Was it surprise and shock at the unexpected? How could it be unexpected, when you had been of frail health for so many years, had been so many times on the verge of leaving us, and then made such miraculous recoveries. Every extra minute we had of your earthly presence for the last several years has been an unexpected gift, a bonus prize. Could it be sadness at losing you? Or feeling bereft of your guidance and protection. How could we ever lose you? The body may not be there, but YOU are always here with us, to guide and watch over us always, you have assured us of that so many times over.
Then what was uppermost in my mind on hearing the news. Maybe it was a feeling of “It’s too late now, to write Swamiji that letter I should have written so long ago, after that last meeting with Him. Too late now, why didn’t I do it right away as soon as I arrived back home, as I said I would. Too late now, why did I make so many excuses, why was I so lazy, why do I always make late in doing these things?”
That was yesterday. Today is another day. We heard that all the rites had been performed as you instructed. We prayed – or tried to pray. We cried, some more than others. We tried to go on with our daily work. In the afternoon a few of us got together, to spend some time together thinking of you. I think we all felt a little better after that. And then the thought: “Why not write that letter. Swamiji is still with you. He will still read it.” So, beloved Swamiji, here is my last (maybe!) letter to You.
Dear Swamiji, thank you so very much for giving us that one last time with you, even though you were weak and confined to bed. You were smiling, in such a good mood, when we entered your room. You started talking about our parents, their families, how so-and-so was related to so-and-so. You gave us prasaad, chocolates and namkeens. You let us take photographs with you. I wanted to store away every word that you were saying, so that I could take each one out and examine it at my leisure whenever I wanted, as I would a prized jewel. But I couldn’t, I was so lost in the wonder of being there in your presence. I think you knew how I was feeling, because then you did something that far superseded words, something that will remain with me forever to help me through my most difficult moments.
There were some chocolates we had presented you, in a bag of some thin, gauzy material. You took the chocolates out of the bag. Then, jokingly, hoping to see you smile again, I turned the bag inside out and put it on my head: “Look Swamiji, and you can even use it as a hat!” You looked closely at me for a minute, then reached for the ‘hat.’ And put it on your head. And smiled. And posed for the camera. And we all had a jolly good laugh. End of story, I thought. But was it really? When you put that ‘hat’ on your head, did you know what meaning it would have for me? I think you did it precisely because you did know, for never do you do anything without a reason. I didn’t see it then.
After two days of ignorance, out of the blue the light dawned on me. You were telling me something. You made me take the ‘hat’ off my head, and you put it on your own. It’s as if you were telling me that whatever problems and troubles I had, you were taking them off my head and putting them on your own. Even the slightest of difficulties, like that feather-weight of light gauze, you would not leave to burden me. Since that day, I have felt cocooned and protected in your loving protection. I feel so incredibly safe and secure from the buffetings of this world. It is as though nothing can hurt me, because you are there taking care of everything for me. Whenever I feel threatened, I have only to remember that one action of yours, and I am again in your safe and loving presence. That is one of the greatest gifts you have given me, and once again, thank you, thank you, thank you for it.
So then, how can I feel sad or lost or abandoned. You are with me, with all of us, every moment of the day. The body that was binding you has been discarded, that is all. The body that was veiling your true Self has been left aside. You stand before me, all around me in your blazing glory. I know that, with every bone in my body. Yes, I cannot see you. That is because my vision is deficient. Now I have to improve that vision, my spiritual vision, so that I can see you at all times in your brilliance everywhere, around me, and in me.
Most revered and beloved Swamiji, thank you for all your love and kindness and patience. Bless me so that I may be your sincere disciple in word and deed, that I may be worthy to be called your devotee. In that way, may you live in me forever.
As always, please forgive me if I have said anything out of turn, and accept once again our inadequate thanks for all Your blessings. Our humble pranaams and sashtanga namaskars at the feet of the Lord and Holy Master. With respectful loving good wishes, Prem and Om.
Yours at the Sacred Feet of Gurudev Swami Sivanandaji.
Devotees X & Y
p.s. Can you please send us your new address at ‘Param Shanti Niwas’ so that we can keep on writing to you. With your permission, of course. Thank you.
